Mr. Neurosceptic
This blog is inspired by some tweets from a few of my fellow Twitter pals - @Mansonovic, @grahamtcousins and @MrMisterMan whom got me thinking about the etiquette that some people employ in their activity on the site.
It's common knowledge that many celebrities use Twitter and amass thousands of followers, however one thing that grates on me and others is that anything they tweet becomes Retweeted constantly by hundreds of people, whether or not it is any way humourous, informative or remotely interesting.
What this seems to be is people merely Retweeting something a vaguely famous person posts up on Twitter for the sheer fact that they are famous, and nothing more. For example, @MrMisterMan pointed out to me Simon Pegg tweeted "I Love Glee" and this was retweeted over 100 times.
This just smacks of gutwrenching sycophancy, what possessed these people to think the world really needs to know about Simon Pegg's love affair with Glee?. The simple answer is it's people retweeting him in the hope he'll look at their Twitter profiles and say "Oh look @TurboSexClown from Rotherham retweeted me, i should be his friend because he has retweeted 200 of my tweets in the past month".
Where us mere mortals are concerned, we retweet each other because 1) You are giving someone credit where it's due for a humourous or entertaining post 2) It's a nice gesture amongst people you admire and enjoy interacting with and who do vice versa for you 3) It helps to increase followers for yourself and for your fellow Twitter buddies because you are Retweeting each other and more people get to see what you or your friends have posted up.
Celebrities usually have over 100,000-200,000 followers and are usually following maybe 100 people on average and those people aren't people like you and me but fellow celebrities or people "in the showbiz industry" so they'll never see anything you post or take any interest in it, you might as well be a pauper scrabbling about in the mud for a discarded Polo Mint sicked up by a seagull for all they care.
Those 100,000-200,000 followers they do have consist of ordinary people, people who watch them on television with gawp-eyed abandon whilst they shove microwaveable goat's hooves into their face-holes and resemble human tumble driers full of regurgitated bathtowels revolving inside their mouths and who fucking worship them.
Yes, if Philip Schofield told them to go outside and randomly bludgeon a pensioner to a squirting mound of bloodied wrinkles and gore-soaked hosiery with a rolling pin and Twitpic the results, it's likely some massive fuckholster would do it, in the vain hope @Schofe would tweet them back saying "Lovely job. Shame you didn't stab them in the eye with a bone china dolphin ornament too! lol :) x".
Recently, Duncan Bannatyne also invited his followers to indulge in something called "Duncan's Dream", which didn't involve the population of the United Kingdom rounded up, stripped naked and forced to count every copper coin of his colossal fortune in a stadium, while every moneyed cunt friend of Bannatyne's sit with binoculars and point out which ones they'd like to see kicked into a swimming pool full of dogshit for a swift giggle.
No "Duncan's Dream" was to see all of his followers follow each other thus boosting everyone's follower status by the hundreds or thousands.
However, most of Duncan Bannatyne's followers aren't being followed by him, Why?, because they're people like you and me, people that Duncan Bannatyne wouldn't even waste a mere second of his time talking to. Why? because you're wasting a moment of his time making money, or enjoying a morning blowjob from a custom-built robotic prototype of a Teasmaid from Japan that no other fucker will have for the next 20 years.
It's time for the world of Twitter to get real. None of these famous cunts give a shit about you and your Retweets or Mentions. You can kiss their arse until your jaw is virtually hanging off it's hinges and you'll never sniff a single vapour of steam off their piss.
The #FollowFriday thing has to stop too. You can occasionally see people tweeting "Hey! Its #FollowFriday so please follow @MissKatiePrice @ClaudiaWinkle @Wossy @AlanCarr @jamiecullum and @BoydHilton!!!".
Take one look at the profiles of each of these people on Twitter and you will literally see thousands of followers hanging on every bland and thunderingly dull word of such soporific people whom wouldn't know what humour was if it happyslapped them in the face like a clown's confetti-ejaculating cock.
People like Graham Linehan, the writer of such great shows like Father Ted and The I.T Crowd, and Charlie Brooker, presenter of BBC4's Screenwipe, need only evacuate their nostrils and they're retweeted ad infi-fucking-nitum. Don't get me wrong, Linehan and Brooker are both superb writers but on Twitter, it's not like they're consistently shitting out 24 karat comedy all the time but that's just my personal opinion, however Brooker could tweet "just put on a pair of socks" and i'm betting that it would be retweeted 100+ times.
Now you may be sitting there thinking "you just sound jealous because you're not famous and no-one but 4 people gives a shit about your shit attempts at humour, fuck off and go vomit your eyes out in despair, our celebrities love us retweeting them, it makes us show we love them".
I'm sure there will be a day when Graham Linehan is doing his shopping in a local Sainsburys and he shouts to his wife "I prefer Corn Flakes to Bran Flakes" to which everyone in the supermarket begins repeating him, and it turns into a rumbling mantra emanating across the world, breaking the sound barrier and punching a hole so big in the atmosphere that it causes a typhoon so strong it blows the Giza Pyramids over.
I jest but do these people really need more followers and everything they say to be repeated endlessly?. The likes of Stephen Fry, Jonathan Ross and Rob Brydon are never likely to see anything i post or anything most of you post because they're too busy following their own showbiz buddies and ignoring your mentions, followfriday recs and retweets but as long as you're propping them up then they'll continue to dominate Twitter with their bland shitty tweets when people with genuine humour, creativity and no ego are being largely ignored.
My friend Andy Manson(@Mansonovic) summed it up best when he said he'd gladly put the non-industry folk he follows and retweets himself on a regular basis up against the celebrity types whose own tweets are full to the brim with crap humour and it would likely be the non-industry people who'd win and i can't agree enough.
I follow dozens of people whose humour i admire but at times, Twitter can be a vile place because where trying to express a little bit of humour is concerned, it can seem like a competition or a global popularity contest for some of those involved, at other times it can be a great place to trade ideas and thoughts with others, sometimes it can be a crushing bore where no fucker will acknowledge you for hours....until you Twitpic a picture of you riding a Spacehopper in a leopard-print thong for #ThongThursday of course.
This blog will not change this activity on Twitter but in light of this annoying activity on Twitter, i no longer need to follow the timelines of a Guardian journalist, a TV presenter or comedy writer anymore because 9 times out of 10, someone else on my timeline who is following them is likely to retweet them anyway so i will see what that celebrity has tweeted without following them. Irritating but sadly true.
In conclusion, remember to retweet the link to this blog over 100 times and prove to me you're not all celebrity-obsessed bawbagmaboobs.
Emotional blackmail. You can't beat it.
NEURO
FOOTNOTE - Duncan Bannatyne sent me a personalised e-mail earlier on i'd like to share with you....
"DEAR NEUROSCEPTIC,
I'D LIKE TO EXPRESS MY GRATITUDE FOR DOMINATING YOUR VINDICTIVE BLOG, AND NO, I'M NOT INTERESTED IN ANY OF YOUR IDEAS TO BUILD A RANGE OF CELEBRITY-THEMED ELECTRONIC GARAGE DOORS. NOBODY WOULD BUY A MELVYN BRAGG GARAGE DOOR!!!.
NOR DO I WANT TO INVEST IN A RANGE OF JEWISH PASTA CALLED RABBIOLI.
FEEL FREE TO MAKE YOUR SNIDE LITTLE COMMENTS IN YOUR BLOG OR ON TWITTER. I'M USED TO THEM.
DUNCAN BANNATYNE"
Nice chap i thought,,,,
And no, it didn't happen you cretinous jestercocks!!!!
